Day 28: 4 weeks out and extra ROM

My muscles have continued to be cranky as all heck.  My first instinct when I wake up in the morning is to stretch; unfortunately with my arm being contained up in a sling, there is nowhere for my arm to go so the muscles fight back and.. goooooooooood morning.

  

Biofreeze has become a necessity for just about every time I get dressed.  Taking off my shirt is complicated and there is something about the movement of my arm down that makes my arm just want to seize up. 

Luckily, I didn't do much this weekend other than head out to see my teens that I volunteer for at my parish get confirmed.  I was so blown away by them!  They were so well behaved and excited for the Mass.  They all took the direction to dress well to heart and they just looked fantastic. 

Mgsr. Greg Kelly was the presider!  It was awesome because he was our guest speaker at my Pastoral Administration class a couple of weeks ago... he remembered me and asked me how my arm was doing. I felt so honored.

Aren't they just darling?!

Seriously.  Who wouldn't want to be a Core member with teens like these?

The reception was great! There was cake... and it was delicious and totally worth my cheating on my clean eating for. 

With the weekend continuing the cycle of arm spazzing, I was really excited to go to PT today because I knew that I could move my arm a little more.  Because we are at day 28, I could finally passively raise my arm above 90 degrees.  I prayed that with the extra movement, my arm would finally calm the heck down.

So, off I went to PT this afternoon.. excited for the brand new possibilities.  

It started out as normal.  Brandie had my hot pad for me... she massaged my arm lightly and checked on my janky scar.  We then did the bicep flexion and the external rotation which was no big deal.  

...then it was time. She got a hold of my arm and we went to 90.  That felt good and it made me happy...

..then the second time we went to 105 degrees range of motion.  My... gosh.  That was painful.  I actually got hot and started sweating from the adrenaline kick.  I have a crazy pain tolerance, so if my body starts to do funky things, you know that it was painful.  I had to go to a happy place and just enjoy the ride.  

The final set, we went out to 120 degrees.  It burned like fire, but it got somewhat bearable at the end. Brandie said that she was being nice, and that we wouldn't go farther that day.  

..I am not looking forward to 180.  Just saying.  Ugh.

There was so much passive range of motion.  So much.  It was surprisingly exhausting.  I was relieved at the end when I got to ice... and go to CrossFit.

Today was Monday Massacre at CrossFit Big D.  It was 5 rounds of a workout every 7 minutes at 100%.  I was pumped.  I modified it of course (which Coach Laurie was happy to help me do).

5 rounds/every 7 minutes

10 KB One arm Clean and Jerks (25 lbs)

10 GHD situps

10 KB Squats (44 lbs)

10 One arm Strict Press (30 lb DB)

1:42/1:43/1:50/1:53/1:40 (Hot dang)

...I just about died at the end.  Laurie had to remind me to not be a total spaz and not aggravate my shoulder by involving it too much.  

Shoulder was still all aggravated and offended from PT.  I had to keep my scap locked back and even then it was crotchety. 

I then went to Cryo to see Hope.  First, I pretty much ate it stepping into the Cryo chamber and slammed my shoulder into the wall. That was not awesome. 

Hope with her magical fingers of awesomeness worked on my angry, angry shoulder and my crazy scar.  That and my legs, hips and back have not been even or happy since I have gotten back to fitness.  It's amazing how much going to see her pays off.  I was in a crazy amount of pain and general jacked-upness of my neck and shoulder was making life pretty difficult.  

I am so blessed that I have so many resources and people who care so much to aid in my recovery.  Hope said that it was her goal to make my scar disappear.  She has been working really hard on it.  I have gotten compliments on how well it is healing.  

That's all her.  Lord knows all I've been doing is eating, sleeping and working out.  Haha.

28 days out... hard to believe that it looks this good.

Another two weeks before I'll be out of this sling.... cannot... wait... 

Day 24: Spasms and making the Airdyne my B#$*#

I woke up this morning and I discovered that my arm wasn't in the sling.

....that scared the crap out of me.  Last thing I need is to open up my arm, need new incisions and even worse, have my screws be ripped out of my socket.  

Luckily I hadn't moved a whole lot in my sleep.  I vaguely remember waking up in pain in the middle of the night, and shuffling around.  I guess I took off my sling.  I pray that I don't do that again.

I also noticed today that when I wear my sling, that my shoulder goes into serious spasm.  So, I literally try to not wear it at all during the day.  

Chase told me that it's part of the process.  As I get more active, my arm wants to move more... and it affected him for 2-3 months.

...great. 

In other good news, the Airdyne is no longer as challenging as it used to be.  

I remember the first time I rode it when I arrived at Big D.  My calf was acting up, so Chase had me do the Airdyne instead of running.  

My Grandma had one that she would ride to stay fit.  I have been thinking about her a lot this week.  Monday was the 6 year anniversary of when she passed away and I miss her a lot.  She was all about the Airdyne and doing Tai Chi.  I remember that she would do it for about an hour, while reading a magazine or the newspaper.  I would pop in and she would say hello and even have a conversation.

...I figured if my dear sweet Grandma Dot did it through her 70s and 80s so relaxed and with such elegance and grace, it couldn't be that bad.  

I mean seriously.  My Grandma was adorable.  

...after about 30 seconds on that thing, I discovered why that thing had this nickname:

...and I decided that my Grandmother was a BEAST and some sort of superhero.  She must be looking down on me from heaven, laughing her butt off that her big, big bad CrossFitting, Hockey-playing, granddaughter who also happened to be a US Marine was being absolutely owned by a Schwinn Airdyne.  

...I am sure I am absolutely endearing to her in this struggle. 

...so... I avoided riding that thing like the plague.  No matter how much my legs hurt, I would suck it up and run.  I made it my mission to be awesome at mobility.  I went about 9 months without touching it.. and it was amazing.

Given that I can't run with a sling, I have been stuck on this damn thing. 

The first day back, I hated it so much.  Chase programmed a ridiculous amount of calories.  My arse hurt from the seat.  My legs burned like fire.  It was just not awesome.

Two weeks ago, it took me a minute to do 8 calories on average.  

So... today I did 10 calories on the Airdyne to modify a 400m run... and 20 calories for an 800m run.

...to put that in perspective, it takes me about 1:45 to do a 400m run.  It took me 45 seconds to do 10 calories on the trike.

Sooooooo.... need to reassess that whole math thing. 

It was taking people about 13 minutes to do this workout:

400m Run

25 KBS (53/35lbs)

15 Burpees 

10 Goblet Squats (53/35lbs)

800m Run

10 GobletSquats

15 Burpees

25 KBS

400m Run

I modified it by doing the Airdyne mod I mentioned above, the kettlebell things with one arm and situps instead of burpees..... and I got 8:15 which was just ridiculous.

I have also named the Airdyne that I ride everyday.  Her name is Betty.  I get annoyed when people adjust her seat.

Seriously... don't f#*$ with Betty.  I will know...

Alright.  Time to grab my muscle relaxers and settle into bed.  

Tomorrow... it will be a new day of sling fitness.  

Day 23: Pain in progress

Halfway done with my time in a sling!  Three weeks from tomorrow is my next appointment with Dr. K. Pretty sure that's when I'll get turned loose and can start doing things like not having to sleep with a sling on.

I got to celebrate my 30th birthday belatedly with a couple of my best friends on Monday.  We just got burgers and chatted.  It was pretty much the most ideal night.. ever  As I get older, I'm not big on making a big deal about myself.  But, I really value the people that I care about and my getting to take a break from adulting with them.

Ice cream sandwiches and friends = best

....only problem is that I keep ending up in situations where I have a surplus of cake.... looks like May is going to basically be a No means No challenge to keep away from sugar again...

I've been pretty busy with school and CrossFit.  At least, more so than before.  I have been hitting it  hard 5 days a week.  I think me and Chase have figured out how to scale the workouts based on what is on the board.  I can usually figure out what to do as a modified workout in a similar rep scheme.  Tuesdays when all they are doing is working on olympic lifts, it's time to go for a walk with the sled.

Yesterday, I did a mile with 45 pounds on the sled.  I cut two minutes off of my time from the week before.  Probably because I ignored the small dogs from last week and didn't make a wrong turn.  There's another girl in the gym who also has a gimp hand, so she's in a similar boat.  There are two sleds at the gym, so we figured we could race.

....my PT Brandie was not too excited to hear that, but she will be OK.  I haven't been doing anything crazy... like rowing with one arm... or lifting kettlebells with both arms... or attempting to do anything that involves the rig, or barbells. Could be so much worse... seriously.

In other good news though, in 5 short days I will be able to put my arm over my head with the help of my PT and we get to step our game up significantly.  I even get to take a dip in a pool to work a bigger range of motion.

I'm at the point of healing where everything feels cranky.  My collarbone seems to have finally noticed that part of it has departed to become BFFs with my glenoid, and it's mourning the loss of what used to belong to it.

It probably did not help that two mornings ago, I woke up to Cracker sleeping under my sling.  The reason I woke up was because my arm was in some serious pain from the awkward angle that this made happen.  I already have a pillow under my arm to support it... I really didn't need the extra leverage offered by cat.

....so he got to sleep outside of the room last night. Too bad for him.  That's what he gets.

On Monday, my massage therapist Hope finally got a chance to really get into working on my scar tissue.  I have never seen her so excited.  She took a before picture and she plans on doing a week by week before and after. Happy that I can contribute to the professional development of all the recovery professionals at CryoUSA.

I am really grateful that my recovery is going so well, that I have coaches and therapists who care and friends that have my back even if I can't put up my own hair without it looking like I just stepped out of 1991...

Seriously.

Day 18: So, I'm 30.

I woke up this morning rolling into a new decade of life.

It's not every day that happens.

  I made it out of my twenties alive.  There were a couple of times that I swore that they were going to kill me.. but I MADE IT.

It's a little weird to have to start to say thirty for my age.  I have a decade to get used to it so I got that going for me.

I started my day off with my pre-scheduled two and a half week follow-up appointment with Dr. Krishnan.  His birthday present to me was to have my staples removed: all 13 of them.  It was not pleasant initially... but OH MAN afterward it felt like my whole shoulder opened up.  It was GLORIOUS.

They threw some steri-strips on.  They are allegedly supposed to stay on for ten days.  With how much I CrossFit and shower after CrossFit and my scar's placement right on my armpit, we will see how successful that's going to be.

I give it 4 days tops...

Dr. K saw me and said that I was doing really well.  I got officially cleared to do just about everything that doesn't involve the use of my left arm or gripping a barbell.  Found out that I can skate in 4 weeks and stickhandle in 6!  So, I got that going for me.  I also got cleared to walk around without my sling in "safe areas" as long as my thumb is tucked into my beltline.  He calls it the "Al Bundy" pose.  Very flattering for a 30 year old woman...

Afterwards I stopped by Snap Kitchen to grab some food and saw my friend Laurie.  She had previously remarked that my scar looked like a hot dog with staples, so the steri-strips were a significant improvement.  I got some food and headed back to Irving to gather my stuff and go to Mass with my friend Sylvia.

Mass was awesome.  Jesus showed up.  He's pretty amazing.

I had a lovely lunch with Sylvia.  Her food smelled so delicious.  My food was also tasty.  We had a lovely chat and then I set off for Dallas again.

I went to see Hope to work on my shoulder.  I am very blessed to have opportunities to really enhance my ability to recover with Cryo and intense massage therapy.  That and the staff are just hysterical there.  They even made me a card which was really adorable.  She was super excited to do spot Cryo on my scar now that it's staple-free.  I already feel the swelling going down.

I rolled over to CrossFit Big D.  It was bring a friend Thursday.  With the prescribed weight and rep scheme, it almost felt like a birthday WOD.

I modified the WOD to one dumbbell (Rx is obviously two):
AirDyne: 40 Cal
30 Push Press (30 lb dumbbell)
30 Ab Mat Sit-ups
30 DB squat
15 DB snatch
15 walking lunge
30 thrusters

15:24.  Those Thrusters really sucked.  I don't know if it's worse with one arm or two...

It was muggy as all heck.  I was sweating so much that it was dripping off of me.  Shoulder felt really good.

I had class afterwards.  I really dig my Pastoral Administration class.  The professor is hilarious.  We had great and fruitful discussion about transition.

After class, the three adorable undergrad girls basically had me go out with them for an impromptu birthday celebration.  I am so blessed to be in the presence of such awesome young women who are so on fire for God and His ministry in the Church.  We laughed so hard over chips and margaritas.  It was a blast.

Now I'm back at home and thanking everyone for all the love that they showed me on Facebook while watching the 30 for 30 on Netflix about the Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan saga.

Don't judge me, it's great human drama and very well directed...

I am blessed... and I am super stoked that I can sleep well and wake up tomorrow without staples.

Day 17: Last day of my twenties... and sleds.

I don't have anything profound or insightful for you today really.  Just like a typical CrossFitter, I want to tell everyone about my workout.

I went to daily mass at noon, worked on my homework and then went off to CrossFit in the evening.

Chase decided that today I should have a longer duration workout.  Which meant pulling a sled with a 35 pound plate from straps off of my weightbelt for a mile.

From what Chase described to me, it sounded like a dog walk from hell.. that or that I was essentially a sled dog myself.  The plate was basically my master.

Oh well, at least it was gorgeous out!

Chase buckled me in and I started walking.  I forgot headphones so I figured I would pray the rosary. The obnoxious scraping noise that followed me for the entire time quickly made that impossible.  I couldn't even get through the opening prayers.

Note to self: next time, headphones are NOT optional.

At first I felt really awkward about the whole thing... but eventually I got in a groove.  Compared to hikes with more than 75 pounds in body armor and gear, a little sled with 35 pounds.. wasn't that bad.

...I got to see a lot of lovely Mexican families who were probably wondering what the crazy white girl in a sling was doing.  Many of them waved.  I waved back.

Dogs started barking at me from seemingly every yard, probably perplexed by the noise and the fact that I was pulling a sled.

...even better, about a quarter of a mile in two small dogs came out from their yard and started pursuing the sled... barking... it was pretty hilarious.

The owner seemed highly irritated.  So, I stopped so they would stop following me.  She walked up to them and called them over.  The dogs were not having it.  I started walking again.  They started chasing me.  I probably spent about two minutes trying to sort this out with the poor woman.  I just kept walking.

I then was so distracted that I missed my turn... adding on more time.

Once I got back on track, the rest of the walk was easy.... save for the awkwardness of crossing the street with a sled behind me.

Did the mile in 20:49.  I am sure that next time I will be faster now that I know to ignore small dogs and where to turn.

I turn 30 in a few hours.  I think that was a solid goodbye to my 20s :)

The last decade made me who I am.  I am pumped to see what is in store for the next one.

Day 16: Every Veteran's Desire

Today was an interesting day.

It started out lackluster, and ended up amazing.

During the day, my major accomplishment was doing and folding my laundry.  I literally did not do anything else of any real value or consequence other than eat food.

At 5, I went to Mass at UD.  Mass never fails to disappoint, even if I am not prepared or going in thinking that it will be worth it.

After that, I went CrossFit Big D.  Chase programmed another AirDyne WOD of death.

5 rounds of:
30" AirDyne sprint for calories
30" Rest
30" Dumbell Push Press 30# (with the right arm, obviously)
30" Rest
30" Air Squats
30" Rest
30" AbMat Sit-ups
30" Rest

I did 305 reps of all the things.  Calories dropped off a bit, as did push press.  Air Squats and Sit-up reps ramped up.  Also, for the first time ever, my Air Squat and Sit-up reps were about the same.  I guess squatting is easy without a barbell....

Afterwards, I hung around the gym for a bit and decided to grab some food.

On my way to the place I planned on hitting up, I saw a CVS and decided to pull in to look for a sling to work out in.  I figured I would go in, and then move on to food quickly and then go home and settle down.  Yes! Plan!

Funny thing about plans... Sometimes God thinks your plans are cute.  His plans are better.

As I was checking Facebook on my phone after I parked my car, I heard a tapping on my window. There was a tall black homeless man grinning at me and waving. I rolled down my window and he started talking. His name was Marcus, and he told me that he had done 25 years in prison.  He was worried that I thought that he was harassing me by asking for help.    He was hurting, hungry and wanted to go to a shelter for the night.  He hadn't gotten a shave in a long time and needed new socks.  He kept asking for a light for a cigarette.  I did not have one.  I gave him some water and I told him that I would do what I could to get him some food.

I started to walk into CVS and I glanced off to the side.  There was another homeless man who had a small Marine Corps flag and a sign identifying himself as a USMC vet.  I figured I would get some food for him too.

I never found my sling, but I did grab socks, razors and food for the guys.  I walked out and gave the stuff to Marcus, who gave me a big hug.  I then figured I would see the other guy.

I am usually suspicious of anyone who uses a veteran status for a plea for help.  There are a lot of homeless men who fake that they are Vietnam and other types of veterans for sympathy.  So, I walked up and said "Devil Dog, what unit were you with?"

He saluted me and said, "Well, lookie here, another Marine!" introduced himself as a Lance Corporal. When I introduced myself as a Captain, he actually stood up and addressed me as Ma'am and saluted me again.  He stated his MOSs, when he was deployed to Vietnam and where he was stationed.  He knew about weapons systems and was really excited to talk.  His name was Lawrence.  He kept saying that all he wanted to do was work.

I'm not sure if I believed all of his stories, or if he was really a Marine.  But, I honestly believed that he had served.

He said that most people on the street acted like he didn't exist.  He felt like he was treated like less of a human.  He said that most of the help and love that he got was from his fellow Marines.  Everyone else wouldn't give him the time of day.

The heart of what we talked about was that after you get out, life is hard.  Nothing is like life when you were back in.  When you were young and in your prime.  When you knew what to expect from your brothers and you knew that they had your back.  

A lot of times, I notice when people struggle, they easily want to travel back to a time where life was better and things made sense.  For many of us veterans, it's when we were wearing the uniform everyday and we felt like what we did mattered.  When we were trained to accomplish a mission that held great consequence to our nation, our families and most importantly our brothers in arms.

As young adults, basically kids, we are trained in core values that give us a foundation to reach back to when times are chaotic and troubled.  We find comfort in learning the skills and art that we take to the battlefield.

When our time in uniform is done, most of us do not appreciate how major of transition that it is.  It's like your whole identity is stripped away.  No matter how a servicemember exits service, or how they felt about it at the time, encountering the world outside is a total shock.

When I showed Lawrence my 22Kill honor ring, and told him about the organization, he lit up.  He wanted to be a part of something again.  He wanted to belong and do something that mattered to others. 

I remember three and a half years ago, I felt the same way.  My exit from active duty felt like a cruel kick to the street.  I had a plan, and it did not flesh out with what the rest of the world had. For my entire adult life I had been training to be a Marine Officer or serving as one.  I knew what to wear, how to carry myself and how others would treat me.  Although my time on Active Duty wasn't always easy, I felt like I was doing something important and that I mattered.

After I got out, I spent two years descending into world where I felt completely out of control.  I took a job that I thought I was passionate about, but it burnt me out.  I had no idea who I was or who I wanted to be without my uniform and without Marines around me.  That world had given me safety from my personal demons.  Getting out made all of them fly at me at once.

I cannot describe to you how hopeless, meaningless and empty life can feel when you don't have a mission.  I wear my honor ring every day in remembrance of my 22 brothers and sisters who take their lives every single day.

It's because I know and I thank God for the fact that I was blessed with the circumstances and people to get me on my feet after I got out.  I was kept safe until I was able to move to Dallas and able to find a new mission in pursuing my Masters.

One of my priest friends told me of a veteran suicide that he conducted the funeral for.  The young man shot himself.  In one hand he held the pistol.  The other a Crucifix.

Nothing makes me better or stronger than the 22 or those on the streets... nothing.  The only thing that separates us is circumstance.  For whatever reason, I was spared.

I went back into CVS at Lawrence's request and got him some ibuprofen for the pain in his legs.  He attributed it to being wounded in combat.  I don't know if that was the case, but I do know a human in pain when I see one.  I was in a position to do something about it.

I ended up spending about an hour with Lawrence.  He said that my talking to him and being kind to him made his day.  I ended up having to go to a supermarket to get my dinner, but it was worth it.  

Every veteran craves a mission.  Every human craves being treated with dignity, love and respect.

...even if I didn't get a whole lot of what I planned done today... it was a winning day.

Day 15: FITNESS!!!!

When I woke up this morning... and this is what I felt like



IT'S FITNESS DAY....

I slept in a bit...and was so PUMPED that I got to go back to CrossFit Big D to finally participate as an athlete again.  I practically danced about my apartment....

...at least as much as one can dance with their arm strapped on their body.

I got my workout bag together and loaded up my preworkout and protein.  I headed into Dallas for the noon class.

I was able to get my shoes on and tie them all by myself.  I was a little stuck in terms of putting my hair up.  So, I did ask one of our top athletes, Audra, for help with this matter.  I did feel a little silly, like when I was in 1st grade and had no idea how to put up my newly long hair.  But, I was also humbled that she would help me out.


....oh, the AirDyne.  We are going to be friends for the next 4 weeks... best friends...


Chase seemed, a bit too excited to welcome me back with a workout.  I told him that the doc wanted me to stick to the bike.... and I ended up doing three workouts of which two of them involved the airdyne... and... other stuff that I haven't been technically cleared to do.. whooooooooops... haha.

Felt good to be back.

"The Girls"... Modified style

1 workout every 10 minutes....

1.  30-20-10
Calories on AirDyne
KB Clean and Jerk (right arm) 12k
9:40 (...20 seconds of rest... I think Chase realized his rep scheme was a bit aggressive for my first day back)

2. 50 Calories on AirDyne: 6:04
(Chase showed mercy upon me... it was 75.  I would have died)

3.  30-20-10
Walking Lunges
Ab Mat sit-ups
Air Squats
6:45

Oh my gosh.  The Mood boost from the endorphins just gave me such joy.  Even with my arm strapped on my body, I felt like me again!

I came home, showered, ate some lunch and went to Physical Therapy.  My awesome PT Brandie was not exactly thrilled to learn that I did more than the exercise bike.  But, she was excited to hear that I wasn't in pain.  I am making progress and PT gets easier and easier.

Came home, grabbed my stuff for school and headed out to Mass and my marketing class. 

There was a pretty entertaining moment when I had to explain my Nun (Arabic letter) tattoo to my classmates, 50% of whom are Saudi Arabian. 

...no I don't have the alphabet tattooed on me...

Luckily, they also disliked ISIS. So, they thought it was interesting. 

One of my group mates Mohammed saw my giant Crucifix and wanted to hold it. I was shocked. He said it was beautiful and took a picture of it. I was not expecting that. 

Nailed the final presentation.  Four classes for my major down... several to go.  Now all I have for the semester is wrapping up Pastoral Administration... which I have already done all but two assignments for.

All day, I have been clutching the cross that Sylvia gave me last night.  I need that physical reminder that Christ is with me.  I even slept with Him in my sling.

As I am winding down, I can't wait for tomorrow to come again.  I get to go to Mass AND fitness.  I get to keep this up!

My next appointment with Doc Krisnan is on Thursday.  My 30th birthday.  To celebrate, I am getting my staples out and then stopping by to see Hope... who is going to totally make my scar start to magically disappear.

But yes, Jesus is with me... and He will continue to live in my sling until need be.

Day 14: Embrace your Cross

John 20:24-29
Thomas, called Didymus, one of the Twelve,
was not with them when Jesus came.
So the other disciples said to him, “We have seen the Lord.”
But he said to them,
“Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands
and put my finger into the nailmarks
and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.”

Now a week later his disciples were again inside
and Thomas was with them.
Jesus came, although the doors were locked, 
and stood in their midst and said, “Peace be with you.”
Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here and see my hands,
and bring your hand and put it into my side,
and do not be unbelieving, but believe.”
Thomas answered and said to him, “My Lord and my God!”
Jesus said to him, “Have you come to believe because you have seen me?
Blessed are those who have not seen and have believed.”

When I got the Sacrament of Anointing of the Sick a few weeks before my surgery, I was fully prepared for what lay ahead of me in entering into this time of suffering.

Yeah right.

It was the third time I had received this sacrament for any one of my service connected disabilities or injuries.  I was looking forward to getting better and stronger.  I viewed it as more of an opportunity to educate the teens that I mentored as a Core member at my parish as they prayed with me and observed the priest place the oil of the sick on my hands and forehead.  I was actually excited to enter into redemptive suffering that would clearly be because of the physical pain of the suffering and rehabilitation.

As my mentor Michelle says... Sneaky Jesus strikes again.

The whole point of this Sacrament is to unite your suffering to the Cross of Christ.  It makes our suffering redemptive instead of insular.

How quickly I forgot about the fullness of the Passion of Christ.  It was more than just a little pain in my shoulder.

The trap of not being able to work or do the things that I love like play and coach hockey, call softball and CrossFit has affected me in ways that I could not anticipate.  The loneliness of being out of community.  The emptiness of a day without task or routine.  The action that kept my thoughts at bay and wore me out so I could lay my head down was gone.  I was stripped bare of all the securities that I had in my life as I rested comfortably in my apartment.

Your mind is a dangerous place.  You shouldn't go in there alone.  You won't come out the same way you went in.

I am turning 30 next week, and last week that got real.  Ten years ago, I would have laughed at you if you told me I would still be single, living in Dallas, broken from my service to my country and unable to work.  It seemed like my twenties were a flashing before me as missed opportunities, broken relationships and achievements that were now meaningless.

Five years ago, I started following God and I have literally nothing to show for it.  No career, no family of my own.  All the things that I thought defined me had been stripped away; especially my independence.

Even with getting out and driving this weekend, the feelings did not go away when I would come back home.  I would fill my time with Netflix binges, checking Facebook and even play music in the shower to keep out the silence.  My prayers at night were lackluster and route; I would finish them as I climbed into bed after taking my muscle relaxers so I would just fall asleep without the silence.

Today, I still wasn't feeling it.  I couldn't snap out of it.  I couldn't get positive.  I couldn't shake it.  No matter how hard I tried or others tried to help me in being kind to me.  My friend Jessie reminded me that I needed to clutch onto the Cross.  Right now I just need to hold onto it.  Splinters in my face, blood running down.  I've been so lukewarm that I told her that I felt like the Cross had just fallen on me and I didn't want to get back up.

I went to Mass.  It was Divine Mercy Sunday.  I had somehow managed to pray the novena that started on Good Friday... even if it was without enthusiasm and only because a series of emails reminded me.

Mass got real fast.  The Gospel was that of when Jesus appeared in the flesh to Thomas after he doubted the other Apostles.  Jesus loved Thomas enough to allow the sinner that doubted the benefit from the affirmation that he asked for.  Even if it was foolish.  Even if Thomas should have just believed that Jesus would be true to His promises.  Even if everyone else was leap years ahead of his faith... Jesus reached out and made it a point to let Himself be touched.

For every complaint or cry that I had, I was reminded that Jesus felt the same things that I felt.  He was lonely and isolated.  He was abandoned by those closest to Him in His greatest hour of need.  He collapsed under the weight of the Cross and fell... a few times.  His word was doubted by those closest to Him.

He begged for there to be a different way than the Cross.. and sweat blood at the realization that there wasn't.  He followed through even though it meant that He sacrificed EVERYTHING for those who had done NOTHING for Him.

During the offertory, when I saw the gifts go up to the altar, I told Jesus that I gave this funk that I was in to Him.  I realized that with what I give Him, He can make beautiful things out of my mess.

I got a whole boatload of consolation that wasn't the warm and fuzzies.

My phone suddenly blew up from my friends that were still trying to break me out of my funk and I had to take it out of my pocket so I wouldn't get distracted.

My friend Sylvia put her right hand out to join my gimp left for the Our Father.  I put my stress ball from my sling in her hand and she held it like a Champ through the whole prayer and the levity from it caused both of us to start laughing while we said the prayer.  The spell was broken.

At the sign of peace, she looked me in the eye and handed me a Crucifix, telling me "Jesus loves you".  I clutched it in my left hand and said "Jesus is heavy"... not realizing in how many ways that statement is true.

I held onto Jesus as tight as I could for the rest of the night with my eight graders in the Confirmation Class I help teach.  I had the toughest small group of the entire year.  Somehow I came out able to kindly reprimand them and affirm them at the same time... that was total grace.

In this trial, I have so much to offer to the Lord beyond my mild physical pain and discomfort.

I can offer my loneliness.  My ineptitude.  My brokenness.  My lameness.

I can give in and allow Him to carry me.

Thank God that someone loved me enough to give me something to clutch onto that isn't a stress ball.

Day 12: longing

My sister left on Tuesday and I've been pretty confined to my apartment for the past few days. My days have been spent alone with my cats, watching a lot of Netflix and destroying my homework. 

I have been laying off of driving to make an attempt to really focus on healing and getting back a point where my body can handle my old schedule. I figure if I'm not allowed to fitness, I am supposed to be resting. 

I am not an introvert and I can't handle too much time on my own. I'm a hockey coach and I feed off of the excitement that I get when a player is developing a new skill or "gets" it for the first time. 

My friends in Dallas are concentrated at CrossFit or at my school. Being removed from both those environments drove me crazy. 

I wondered what on earth God really intented for that time. 

Finally, yesterday it clicked. 

Before this, there was so much noise in my life that I hid behind it. I let all of the distractions shut out God. 

It was like we were coexisting, but never had a real conversation. 

That doesn't work. 

Finally, in the shower it all came out. How frustrated I was with Him. How I felt that I kept getting set up to fall on my face. How I didn't trust Him and I felt obligated to serve Him like a Commmanding Officer and not love and trust Him like a Father. 

I walked out with an intense hate in my heart. It's amazing how we can mask the negative so much, even from ourselves. 

I texted my best friend Jessie. Sometimes she has a straight vein to the Holy Spirit and I can hear the Truth in her that penetrates through all the defenses that I put up. She just gets it. 

I put myself together, got a ride to my class on pastoral administration. 

Leave it to a class on the infrastructure of the Church to shake the doubt off of me.  

We had a priest as a guest speaker who shared a reminder that I needed to hear. 

He said that pastoral life is all about the pascal mystery. We have life. But, life ends in death. Death leads to the resurrection which means that we are brought back to life as a new creation. 

Nobody wants to experience death, but without it we don't have the Hope that comes in the glory of being a new creation with Christ. God takes what we surrender to Him and makes it something beyond what we could ever imagine. 

Jessie prayed for me in front of the blessed sacrament. She told me to turn back to God and surrender myself completely. God has something better planned. 

Today I'm taking control back from the negativity and the noise. 

I'm driving to mass today. Wild horses won't stop me. 

I'm not above asking for help if I need it, but this I can control. 

...thank God. 

Day 10: Healing is really boring

You won't get any deep thoughts or insights from me today.  I'm fresh out.

I have spent the better part of my day bingeing on Netflix and eating a lot of food.  Healing makes me cranky, and hungry.  Despite my complete inactivity, I am constantly hungry.  No matter how much I eat, my body craves more.

The highlight of my day was going to Physical Therapy.  I hit 30 degrees of external rotation.  Already.  This means that at 9 days post-op I am already at my limit of movement for this phase of healing.... which is 6 weeks.

To compensate for my sudden progress, I now get to do 4 times as many reps of the little movements that I am assigned for PT.

In the meantime, I am still forbidden from doing anything fitness related until Monday... which is 5 days from now.

I am trying to stay positive, but I am bumming about being trapped in this apartment and unable to fitness.

I guess tomorrow I will try to wrap up a book report so it is at least a little more productive.

Here's to tomorrow.... and sleepy time.

Day 8: Easter Monday and one week down

One week down. Another 5 in a sling to go. 

Today I woke up in pain, as always.  But at least now I expect it and am learning to live with it as part of this whole process.

Since I've gotten clearance to shower and change myself, I have been doing so daily with a renewed sense of accomplishment and vigor.  This last shower session I took, I was able to shave both my armpits, put on deodorant in both arms and a sports bra, tank top and t-shirt.  It was amazing.  I don't think I've been this excited about dressing myself since I was in kindergarten and I could pick out my own mismatched outfits to attend Mrs. Lovett's class....

I walked out to my sister in the living room with my right arm raised in victory (because my left arm is basically stapled to me for another 5 weeks).  She gets it.  In 2009, she had her labrum repaired after she graduated from college.  She's been awesome in helping out after my mom went back to Seattle.

Last evening I went to Easter Mass at my home parish.  My preparation pretty much consisted of putting on a dress and strapping on my sling over it.  I really could have done more in terms of saving my energy and praying through the Triduum and scriptures. But, I took the easy way out.

The liturgy took the easy way out on me as well.  The normal music ministry was non-existent,  A lector read the psalm instead of a cantor singing it.  Nobody sang.  It was even more depressing than the usual liturgy.  I was kind of sad that it was so... lame.  It seemed like with it being the final liturgy of the day, that everyone just kind of gave up.

Oh well.  Just because I didn't get the "feels" doesn't mean that the Easter season is any less real.  In fact, Christ in His resurrection defeated sin and death.  He gives us hope in healing in our sickness and infirmities.

Here's to small victories.  Like this.

About 10 degrees of external rotation. I'll take it :) 

Day 6: Holy Saturday

Lent is crashing to an end and here I sit. 

Chase told me that there would be points where I would question why I was doing this. 

Waking up in pain with my arm frozen in a sling reminds me that I'm broken. 

I hung out with my friends yesterday at the gym and watched them on the rig being able to do any number of things and a twinge of jealousy hit as the only thing I could do was squeeze my stress ball or sit down and do my PT. 

I came home from a few hours out completely exhausted and unable to concentrate on anything. My sister straight up took over on anything I tried to do. She knew I couldn't be alone. I was both grateful and frustrated. 

I realize now as I wake up on Holy Saturday that to want to crave the past is normal, but to hope for it is delusional. 

My shoulder wasn't better in the past. I was injured. I can't undo this surgery and I certainly cannot undo the injury. What is done is done. I must now sit and heal as it is what is prescribed for what I have endured. 

Just like learning to pursue virtue instead of a life of sin, there are consequences and healing takes time. But the healing leads to a life that is greater than before. 

I need to continue to offer up my suffering, dependence and pain instead of wallowing in it. Luckily, on this great weekend of Triduum, I have the best example possible. 

He suffered and doubted, but in the end He denied Himself to the point of death on a cross. He rose again to new life.

He did this for me. It's an honor to carry the cross that He has given me. 

Day 4: shower!

Today I got to venture out to the big wide world outside of my apartment. 

First stop was to see Dr. Krishnan. They took off my giant bandages and I was surprised to see a giant open wound a little smaller than my Achilles repair on the front of my shoulder guaranteed to scare small children everywhere. 

Oh yeah...real nice. 

Dr. Krishnan confirmed that he did the latarjet transfer and that it was healing up nice. I also got permission to take it out of the sling and do little thigh touch exercises when I'm seated. I also got permission to take a shower and dress myself which was very exciting considering that I was still covered in the presurgical iodine. 

Check out my hardware: anchor and staples. Jealousness abounds. 

I then went to CryoUSA to see my friend and massage therapist Hope who worked on my cranky neck and jaw. She was absolutely horrified by my scar and is very much looking forward to when she can treat it after I get the staples out in 2 weeks.

I stopped by Big D on the way back to say hello. It was hard to be there and not workout, but I'm looking forward to next week when I can start on the Airdyne (never thought I would say that) instead of resting up. 

Got back and I was totally wiped out from the 4 hours of being out and about. I forgot how difficult recovery was. 

With my family being here, it's hard to participate in the Triduum and go to appointments. Next year, I will value it so much more. In the meantime, I am grateful for the small things: like my being able to wash my own hair with one hand. 

I look forward to the ressurection because I know that when I am healed, I will be stronger than ever. Just like Christ had to die to achieve the ultimate victory over evil and death.