Day 12: longing

My sister left on Tuesday and I've been pretty confined to my apartment for the past few days. My days have been spent alone with my cats, watching a lot of Netflix and destroying my homework. 

I have been laying off of driving to make an attempt to really focus on healing and getting back a point where my body can handle my old schedule. I figure if I'm not allowed to fitness, I am supposed to be resting. 

I am not an introvert and I can't handle too much time on my own. I'm a hockey coach and I feed off of the excitement that I get when a player is developing a new skill or "gets" it for the first time. 

My friends in Dallas are concentrated at CrossFit or at my school. Being removed from both those environments drove me crazy. 

I wondered what on earth God really intented for that time. 

Finally, yesterday it clicked. 

Before this, there was so much noise in my life that I hid behind it. I let all of the distractions shut out God. 

It was like we were coexisting, but never had a real conversation. 

That doesn't work. 

Finally, in the shower it all came out. How frustrated I was with Him. How I felt that I kept getting set up to fall on my face. How I didn't trust Him and I felt obligated to serve Him like a Commmanding Officer and not love and trust Him like a Father. 

I walked out with an intense hate in my heart. It's amazing how we can mask the negative so much, even from ourselves. 

I texted my best friend Jessie. Sometimes she has a straight vein to the Holy Spirit and I can hear the Truth in her that penetrates through all the defenses that I put up. She just gets it. 

I put myself together, got a ride to my class on pastoral administration. 

Leave it to a class on the infrastructure of the Church to shake the doubt off of me.  

We had a priest as a guest speaker who shared a reminder that I needed to hear. 

He said that pastoral life is all about the pascal mystery. We have life. But, life ends in death. Death leads to the resurrection which means that we are brought back to life as a new creation. 

Nobody wants to experience death, but without it we don't have the Hope that comes in the glory of being a new creation with Christ. God takes what we surrender to Him and makes it something beyond what we could ever imagine. 

Jessie prayed for me in front of the blessed sacrament. She told me to turn back to God and surrender myself completely. God has something better planned. 

Today I'm taking control back from the negativity and the noise. 

I'm driving to mass today. Wild horses won't stop me. 

I'm not above asking for help if I need it, but this I can control. 

...thank God.