Day 14: Embrace your Cross

John 20:24-29
Thomas, called Didymus, one of the Twelve,
was not with them when Jesus came.
So the other disciples said to him, “We have seen the Lord.”
But he said to them,
“Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands
and put my finger into the nailmarks
and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.”

Now a week later his disciples were again inside
and Thomas was with them.
Jesus came, although the doors were locked, 
and stood in their midst and said, “Peace be with you.”
Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here and see my hands,
and bring your hand and put it into my side,
and do not be unbelieving, but believe.”
Thomas answered and said to him, “My Lord and my God!”
Jesus said to him, “Have you come to believe because you have seen me?
Blessed are those who have not seen and have believed.”

When I got the Sacrament of Anointing of the Sick a few weeks before my surgery, I was fully prepared for what lay ahead of me in entering into this time of suffering.

Yeah right.

It was the third time I had received this sacrament for any one of my service connected disabilities or injuries.  I was looking forward to getting better and stronger.  I viewed it as more of an opportunity to educate the teens that I mentored as a Core member at my parish as they prayed with me and observed the priest place the oil of the sick on my hands and forehead.  I was actually excited to enter into redemptive suffering that would clearly be because of the physical pain of the suffering and rehabilitation.

As my mentor Michelle says... Sneaky Jesus strikes again.

The whole point of this Sacrament is to unite your suffering to the Cross of Christ.  It makes our suffering redemptive instead of insular.

How quickly I forgot about the fullness of the Passion of Christ.  It was more than just a little pain in my shoulder.

The trap of not being able to work or do the things that I love like play and coach hockey, call softball and CrossFit has affected me in ways that I could not anticipate.  The loneliness of being out of community.  The emptiness of a day without task or routine.  The action that kept my thoughts at bay and wore me out so I could lay my head down was gone.  I was stripped bare of all the securities that I had in my life as I rested comfortably in my apartment.

Your mind is a dangerous place.  You shouldn't go in there alone.  You won't come out the same way you went in.

I am turning 30 next week, and last week that got real.  Ten years ago, I would have laughed at you if you told me I would still be single, living in Dallas, broken from my service to my country and unable to work.  It seemed like my twenties were a flashing before me as missed opportunities, broken relationships and achievements that were now meaningless.

Five years ago, I started following God and I have literally nothing to show for it.  No career, no family of my own.  All the things that I thought defined me had been stripped away; especially my independence.

Even with getting out and driving this weekend, the feelings did not go away when I would come back home.  I would fill my time with Netflix binges, checking Facebook and even play music in the shower to keep out the silence.  My prayers at night were lackluster and route; I would finish them as I climbed into bed after taking my muscle relaxers so I would just fall asleep without the silence.

Today, I still wasn't feeling it.  I couldn't snap out of it.  I couldn't get positive.  I couldn't shake it.  No matter how hard I tried or others tried to help me in being kind to me.  My friend Jessie reminded me that I needed to clutch onto the Cross.  Right now I just need to hold onto it.  Splinters in my face, blood running down.  I've been so lukewarm that I told her that I felt like the Cross had just fallen on me and I didn't want to get back up.

I went to Mass.  It was Divine Mercy Sunday.  I had somehow managed to pray the novena that started on Good Friday... even if it was without enthusiasm and only because a series of emails reminded me.

Mass got real fast.  The Gospel was that of when Jesus appeared in the flesh to Thomas after he doubted the other Apostles.  Jesus loved Thomas enough to allow the sinner that doubted the benefit from the affirmation that he asked for.  Even if it was foolish.  Even if Thomas should have just believed that Jesus would be true to His promises.  Even if everyone else was leap years ahead of his faith... Jesus reached out and made it a point to let Himself be touched.

For every complaint or cry that I had, I was reminded that Jesus felt the same things that I felt.  He was lonely and isolated.  He was abandoned by those closest to Him in His greatest hour of need.  He collapsed under the weight of the Cross and fell... a few times.  His word was doubted by those closest to Him.

He begged for there to be a different way than the Cross.. and sweat blood at the realization that there wasn't.  He followed through even though it meant that He sacrificed EVERYTHING for those who had done NOTHING for Him.

During the offertory, when I saw the gifts go up to the altar, I told Jesus that I gave this funk that I was in to Him.  I realized that with what I give Him, He can make beautiful things out of my mess.

I got a whole boatload of consolation that wasn't the warm and fuzzies.

My phone suddenly blew up from my friends that were still trying to break me out of my funk and I had to take it out of my pocket so I wouldn't get distracted.

My friend Sylvia put her right hand out to join my gimp left for the Our Father.  I put my stress ball from my sling in her hand and she held it like a Champ through the whole prayer and the levity from it caused both of us to start laughing while we said the prayer.  The spell was broken.

At the sign of peace, she looked me in the eye and handed me a Crucifix, telling me "Jesus loves you".  I clutched it in my left hand and said "Jesus is heavy"... not realizing in how many ways that statement is true.

I held onto Jesus as tight as I could for the rest of the night with my eight graders in the Confirmation Class I help teach.  I had the toughest small group of the entire year.  Somehow I came out able to kindly reprimand them and affirm them at the same time... that was total grace.

In this trial, I have so much to offer to the Lord beyond my mild physical pain and discomfort.

I can offer my loneliness.  My ineptitude.  My brokenness.  My lameness.

I can give in and allow Him to carry me.

Thank God that someone loved me enough to give me something to clutch onto that isn't a stress ball.

Ephesians 5 (11/18/2012)

Ephesians 5:22-33
Wives should be subordinate to their husbands as to the Lord.

For the husband is head of his wife just as Christ is head of the church, he himself the savior of the body.  As the church is subordinate to Christ, so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything.

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church and handed himself over for her to sanctify her, cleansing her by the bath of water with the word, that he might present to himself the church in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 

So (also) husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.  For no one hates his own flesh but rather nourishes and cherishes it, even as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body.

"For this reason a man shall leave (his) father and (his) mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."

This is a great mystery, but I speak in reference to Christ and the church.  In any case, each one of you should love his wife as himself, and the wife should respect her husband.

Wives, be subject to your husbands.

This isn’t a suggestion, it’s a command.

What does that really mean?

If there was one line in the ENTIRE BIBLE that I struggled to accept, it was that one.

I’m a Marine Corps Officer who is in charge of a group of some of the most masculine men that you could ever find who outnumber me twenty to one.  I played ice hockey, I crossfit.  I was raised by a single mother in the most formative years of my life.  Father figures and men in general had a tendency to walk out on me.   Me, my mother and my sister were frequently left alone to take care of ourselves.

Being subject to someone means that you give yourself over.  That you accept them being in charge.  That you are not in control.  When you don’t trust someone to be an effective Lord, It is an impossible command to follow.

Rather than hold myself accountable to make an effort to understand what Paul meant when stated that women were to be subject to their husbands, I immediately rejected the entire idea.  Rejection of any teaching outright is a bad place to be.  It tears away at the Truth. 

I, and many of my strong willed female friends put it away; no man would tell us what to do! I will be found equal in any partnership in my household.

Brothers and Sisters, Marriage equality is a lie.  Marriage isn’t a contract that you can void at any time that your spouse suddenly doesn’t make you happy or treats you exactly the way that you wanted in that way that you wanted it.  It isn’t you do your thing and I’ll do mine.  It isn’t a compromise where you give up your God, your values and who you are to make your spouse “happy”.

Marriage is a covenant; a promise to God that you will glorify Him on Earth.  That you will lead your spouse, 

your family to Jesus Christ.  It is the foundation of our Church. 

The reason that I did not understand and accept this verse, is because I let my own view of the world color my perception of the word of God.  I was offended by the notion of being subject to rule by my husband.  I did not read or care about the rest of these verses, where my husband is called to cherish and protect me.  

To purify and sanctify me.  To Lead me.

I relegated this awesomeness and amazing grace that my husband would bring to my home as the head of our domestic church, my lover and protector in the name of “equality”.

It was no wonder that in my life, I was quickly following the path of my family in compromise of my values, pandering to others and questioning the Truth.  It was no wonder that I was so “strong” in my work life and showing a face to my female friends but I let my boyfriends walk all over me in the name of “making them happy”.  I lost myself when I sold out my body, my savior and my values.  I did not understand that as a woman, I am called to hold my future husband to a standard given by our God.  It was my job to hold men accountable and I had settled for less.

You young men in here, you are called to hold a high standard. To honor and protect the dignity of women and the Church.  To protect and cherish your future wives as you would your own body.  You are called to love them the same way that Christ loves every bit of you.  To sacrifice yourself, your wants and your desires to lead your household, your wives closer to Heaven.  To strengthen their relationship with Jesus Christ.

You ladies in here, you certainly are not off the hook either.  You are called to hold men to that standard.   You are the guardians of this sacrament; you are called to cloak yourself in Christ so much that a man should have to pursue Him to find you. To not settle for less than a man that you would have no problem following to the Lord. 

None of us are perfect.  Most of us, myself included, have some pretty substandard examples of marriage in our lives with very little else to go on.  Whether it is on TV with a ridiculous reality show, celebrities in the news, when politicians openly debate the definition of marriage or even in our own homes from our parents.

The love of Christ overcomes all of that.  Marriage is the most visible example of what God’s love means for us.  It gives us the graces of His love on Earth.  That is why we must honor it, protect it and ensure that we are ready to uphold its high standards with our Lord.

Pray for the Grace to be the spouse you are called to be.  Talk to Jesus and pray for your spouse, whether they are heavenly or on this Earth to be the same for you!

Your savior demands it of you.