Day 24: Spasms and making the Airdyne my B#$*#

I woke up this morning and I discovered that my arm wasn't in the sling.

....that scared the crap out of me.  Last thing I need is to open up my arm, need new incisions and even worse, have my screws be ripped out of my socket.  

Luckily I hadn't moved a whole lot in my sleep.  I vaguely remember waking up in pain in the middle of the night, and shuffling around.  I guess I took off my sling.  I pray that I don't do that again.

I also noticed today that when I wear my sling, that my shoulder goes into serious spasm.  So, I literally try to not wear it at all during the day.  

Chase told me that it's part of the process.  As I get more active, my arm wants to move more... and it affected him for 2-3 months.

...great. 

In other good news, the Airdyne is no longer as challenging as it used to be.  

I remember the first time I rode it when I arrived at Big D.  My calf was acting up, so Chase had me do the Airdyne instead of running.  

My Grandma had one that she would ride to stay fit.  I have been thinking about her a lot this week.  Monday was the 6 year anniversary of when she passed away and I miss her a lot.  She was all about the Airdyne and doing Tai Chi.  I remember that she would do it for about an hour, while reading a magazine or the newspaper.  I would pop in and she would say hello and even have a conversation.

...I figured if my dear sweet Grandma Dot did it through her 70s and 80s so relaxed and with such elegance and grace, it couldn't be that bad.  

I mean seriously.  My Grandma was adorable.  

...after about 30 seconds on that thing, I discovered why that thing had this nickname:

...and I decided that my Grandmother was a BEAST and some sort of superhero.  She must be looking down on me from heaven, laughing her butt off that her big, big bad CrossFitting, Hockey-playing, granddaughter who also happened to be a US Marine was being absolutely owned by a Schwinn Airdyne.  

...I am sure I am absolutely endearing to her in this struggle. 

...so... I avoided riding that thing like the plague.  No matter how much my legs hurt, I would suck it up and run.  I made it my mission to be awesome at mobility.  I went about 9 months without touching it.. and it was amazing.

Given that I can't run with a sling, I have been stuck on this damn thing. 

The first day back, I hated it so much.  Chase programmed a ridiculous amount of calories.  My arse hurt from the seat.  My legs burned like fire.  It was just not awesome.

Two weeks ago, it took me a minute to do 8 calories on average.  

So... today I did 10 calories on the Airdyne to modify a 400m run... and 20 calories for an 800m run.

...to put that in perspective, it takes me about 1:45 to do a 400m run.  It took me 45 seconds to do 10 calories on the trike.

Sooooooo.... need to reassess that whole math thing. 

It was taking people about 13 minutes to do this workout:

400m Run

25 KBS (53/35lbs)

15 Burpees 

10 Goblet Squats (53/35lbs)

800m Run

10 GobletSquats

15 Burpees

25 KBS

400m Run

I modified it by doing the Airdyne mod I mentioned above, the kettlebell things with one arm and situps instead of burpees..... and I got 8:15 which was just ridiculous.

I have also named the Airdyne that I ride everyday.  Her name is Betty.  I get annoyed when people adjust her seat.

Seriously... don't f#*$ with Betty.  I will know...

Alright.  Time to grab my muscle relaxers and settle into bed.  

Tomorrow... it will be a new day of sling fitness.  

Day 23: Pain in progress

Halfway done with my time in a sling!  Three weeks from tomorrow is my next appointment with Dr. K. Pretty sure that's when I'll get turned loose and can start doing things like not having to sleep with a sling on.

I got to celebrate my 30th birthday belatedly with a couple of my best friends on Monday.  We just got burgers and chatted.  It was pretty much the most ideal night.. ever  As I get older, I'm not big on making a big deal about myself.  But, I really value the people that I care about and my getting to take a break from adulting with them.

Ice cream sandwiches and friends = best

....only problem is that I keep ending up in situations where I have a surplus of cake.... looks like May is going to basically be a No means No challenge to keep away from sugar again...

I've been pretty busy with school and CrossFit.  At least, more so than before.  I have been hitting it  hard 5 days a week.  I think me and Chase have figured out how to scale the workouts based on what is on the board.  I can usually figure out what to do as a modified workout in a similar rep scheme.  Tuesdays when all they are doing is working on olympic lifts, it's time to go for a walk with the sled.

Yesterday, I did a mile with 45 pounds on the sled.  I cut two minutes off of my time from the week before.  Probably because I ignored the small dogs from last week and didn't make a wrong turn.  There's another girl in the gym who also has a gimp hand, so she's in a similar boat.  There are two sleds at the gym, so we figured we could race.

....my PT Brandie was not too excited to hear that, but she will be OK.  I haven't been doing anything crazy... like rowing with one arm... or lifting kettlebells with both arms... or attempting to do anything that involves the rig, or barbells. Could be so much worse... seriously.

In other good news though, in 5 short days I will be able to put my arm over my head with the help of my PT and we get to step our game up significantly.  I even get to take a dip in a pool to work a bigger range of motion.

I'm at the point of healing where everything feels cranky.  My collarbone seems to have finally noticed that part of it has departed to become BFFs with my glenoid, and it's mourning the loss of what used to belong to it.

It probably did not help that two mornings ago, I woke up to Cracker sleeping under my sling.  The reason I woke up was because my arm was in some serious pain from the awkward angle that this made happen.  I already have a pillow under my arm to support it... I really didn't need the extra leverage offered by cat.

....so he got to sleep outside of the room last night. Too bad for him.  That's what he gets.

On Monday, my massage therapist Hope finally got a chance to really get into working on my scar tissue.  I have never seen her so excited.  She took a before picture and she plans on doing a week by week before and after. Happy that I can contribute to the professional development of all the recovery professionals at CryoUSA.

I am really grateful that my recovery is going so well, that I have coaches and therapists who care and friends that have my back even if I can't put up my own hair without it looking like I just stepped out of 1991...

Seriously.

Day 18: So, I'm 30.

I woke up this morning rolling into a new decade of life.

It's not every day that happens.

  I made it out of my twenties alive.  There were a couple of times that I swore that they were going to kill me.. but I MADE IT.

It's a little weird to have to start to say thirty for my age.  I have a decade to get used to it so I got that going for me.

I started my day off with my pre-scheduled two and a half week follow-up appointment with Dr. Krishnan.  His birthday present to me was to have my staples removed: all 13 of them.  It was not pleasant initially... but OH MAN afterward it felt like my whole shoulder opened up.  It was GLORIOUS.

They threw some steri-strips on.  They are allegedly supposed to stay on for ten days.  With how much I CrossFit and shower after CrossFit and my scar's placement right on my armpit, we will see how successful that's going to be.

I give it 4 days tops...

Dr. K saw me and said that I was doing really well.  I got officially cleared to do just about everything that doesn't involve the use of my left arm or gripping a barbell.  Found out that I can skate in 4 weeks and stickhandle in 6!  So, I got that going for me.  I also got cleared to walk around without my sling in "safe areas" as long as my thumb is tucked into my beltline.  He calls it the "Al Bundy" pose.  Very flattering for a 30 year old woman...

Afterwards I stopped by Snap Kitchen to grab some food and saw my friend Laurie.  She had previously remarked that my scar looked like a hot dog with staples, so the steri-strips were a significant improvement.  I got some food and headed back to Irving to gather my stuff and go to Mass with my friend Sylvia.

Mass was awesome.  Jesus showed up.  He's pretty amazing.

I had a lovely lunch with Sylvia.  Her food smelled so delicious.  My food was also tasty.  We had a lovely chat and then I set off for Dallas again.

I went to see Hope to work on my shoulder.  I am very blessed to have opportunities to really enhance my ability to recover with Cryo and intense massage therapy.  That and the staff are just hysterical there.  They even made me a card which was really adorable.  She was super excited to do spot Cryo on my scar now that it's staple-free.  I already feel the swelling going down.

I rolled over to CrossFit Big D.  It was bring a friend Thursday.  With the prescribed weight and rep scheme, it almost felt like a birthday WOD.

I modified the WOD to one dumbbell (Rx is obviously two):
AirDyne: 40 Cal
30 Push Press (30 lb dumbbell)
30 Ab Mat Sit-ups
30 DB squat
15 DB snatch
15 walking lunge
30 thrusters

15:24.  Those Thrusters really sucked.  I don't know if it's worse with one arm or two...

It was muggy as all heck.  I was sweating so much that it was dripping off of me.  Shoulder felt really good.

I had class afterwards.  I really dig my Pastoral Administration class.  The professor is hilarious.  We had great and fruitful discussion about transition.

After class, the three adorable undergrad girls basically had me go out with them for an impromptu birthday celebration.  I am so blessed to be in the presence of such awesome young women who are so on fire for God and His ministry in the Church.  We laughed so hard over chips and margaritas.  It was a blast.

Now I'm back at home and thanking everyone for all the love that they showed me on Facebook while watching the 30 for 30 on Netflix about the Tonya Harding/Nancy Kerrigan saga.

Don't judge me, it's great human drama and very well directed...

I am blessed... and I am super stoked that I can sleep well and wake up tomorrow without staples.

Day 17: Last day of my twenties... and sleds.

I don't have anything profound or insightful for you today really.  Just like a typical CrossFitter, I want to tell everyone about my workout.

I went to daily mass at noon, worked on my homework and then went off to CrossFit in the evening.

Chase decided that today I should have a longer duration workout.  Which meant pulling a sled with a 35 pound plate from straps off of my weightbelt for a mile.

From what Chase described to me, it sounded like a dog walk from hell.. that or that I was essentially a sled dog myself.  The plate was basically my master.

Oh well, at least it was gorgeous out!

Chase buckled me in and I started walking.  I forgot headphones so I figured I would pray the rosary. The obnoxious scraping noise that followed me for the entire time quickly made that impossible.  I couldn't even get through the opening prayers.

Note to self: next time, headphones are NOT optional.

At first I felt really awkward about the whole thing... but eventually I got in a groove.  Compared to hikes with more than 75 pounds in body armor and gear, a little sled with 35 pounds.. wasn't that bad.

...I got to see a lot of lovely Mexican families who were probably wondering what the crazy white girl in a sling was doing.  Many of them waved.  I waved back.

Dogs started barking at me from seemingly every yard, probably perplexed by the noise and the fact that I was pulling a sled.

...even better, about a quarter of a mile in two small dogs came out from their yard and started pursuing the sled... barking... it was pretty hilarious.

The owner seemed highly irritated.  So, I stopped so they would stop following me.  She walked up to them and called them over.  The dogs were not having it.  I started walking again.  They started chasing me.  I probably spent about two minutes trying to sort this out with the poor woman.  I just kept walking.

I then was so distracted that I missed my turn... adding on more time.

Once I got back on track, the rest of the walk was easy.... save for the awkwardness of crossing the street with a sled behind me.

Did the mile in 20:49.  I am sure that next time I will be faster now that I know to ignore small dogs and where to turn.

I turn 30 in a few hours.  I think that was a solid goodbye to my 20s :)

The last decade made me who I am.  I am pumped to see what is in store for the next one.

Day 14: Embrace your Cross

John 20:24-29
Thomas, called Didymus, one of the Twelve,
was not with them when Jesus came.
So the other disciples said to him, “We have seen the Lord.”
But he said to them,
“Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands
and put my finger into the nailmarks
and put my hand into his side, I will not believe.”

Now a week later his disciples were again inside
and Thomas was with them.
Jesus came, although the doors were locked, 
and stood in their midst and said, “Peace be with you.”
Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here and see my hands,
and bring your hand and put it into my side,
and do not be unbelieving, but believe.”
Thomas answered and said to him, “My Lord and my God!”
Jesus said to him, “Have you come to believe because you have seen me?
Blessed are those who have not seen and have believed.”

When I got the Sacrament of Anointing of the Sick a few weeks before my surgery, I was fully prepared for what lay ahead of me in entering into this time of suffering.

Yeah right.

It was the third time I had received this sacrament for any one of my service connected disabilities or injuries.  I was looking forward to getting better and stronger.  I viewed it as more of an opportunity to educate the teens that I mentored as a Core member at my parish as they prayed with me and observed the priest place the oil of the sick on my hands and forehead.  I was actually excited to enter into redemptive suffering that would clearly be because of the physical pain of the suffering and rehabilitation.

As my mentor Michelle says... Sneaky Jesus strikes again.

The whole point of this Sacrament is to unite your suffering to the Cross of Christ.  It makes our suffering redemptive instead of insular.

How quickly I forgot about the fullness of the Passion of Christ.  It was more than just a little pain in my shoulder.

The trap of not being able to work or do the things that I love like play and coach hockey, call softball and CrossFit has affected me in ways that I could not anticipate.  The loneliness of being out of community.  The emptiness of a day without task or routine.  The action that kept my thoughts at bay and wore me out so I could lay my head down was gone.  I was stripped bare of all the securities that I had in my life as I rested comfortably in my apartment.

Your mind is a dangerous place.  You shouldn't go in there alone.  You won't come out the same way you went in.

I am turning 30 next week, and last week that got real.  Ten years ago, I would have laughed at you if you told me I would still be single, living in Dallas, broken from my service to my country and unable to work.  It seemed like my twenties were a flashing before me as missed opportunities, broken relationships and achievements that were now meaningless.

Five years ago, I started following God and I have literally nothing to show for it.  No career, no family of my own.  All the things that I thought defined me had been stripped away; especially my independence.

Even with getting out and driving this weekend, the feelings did not go away when I would come back home.  I would fill my time with Netflix binges, checking Facebook and even play music in the shower to keep out the silence.  My prayers at night were lackluster and route; I would finish them as I climbed into bed after taking my muscle relaxers so I would just fall asleep without the silence.

Today, I still wasn't feeling it.  I couldn't snap out of it.  I couldn't get positive.  I couldn't shake it.  No matter how hard I tried or others tried to help me in being kind to me.  My friend Jessie reminded me that I needed to clutch onto the Cross.  Right now I just need to hold onto it.  Splinters in my face, blood running down.  I've been so lukewarm that I told her that I felt like the Cross had just fallen on me and I didn't want to get back up.

I went to Mass.  It was Divine Mercy Sunday.  I had somehow managed to pray the novena that started on Good Friday... even if it was without enthusiasm and only because a series of emails reminded me.

Mass got real fast.  The Gospel was that of when Jesus appeared in the flesh to Thomas after he doubted the other Apostles.  Jesus loved Thomas enough to allow the sinner that doubted the benefit from the affirmation that he asked for.  Even if it was foolish.  Even if Thomas should have just believed that Jesus would be true to His promises.  Even if everyone else was leap years ahead of his faith... Jesus reached out and made it a point to let Himself be touched.

For every complaint or cry that I had, I was reminded that Jesus felt the same things that I felt.  He was lonely and isolated.  He was abandoned by those closest to Him in His greatest hour of need.  He collapsed under the weight of the Cross and fell... a few times.  His word was doubted by those closest to Him.

He begged for there to be a different way than the Cross.. and sweat blood at the realization that there wasn't.  He followed through even though it meant that He sacrificed EVERYTHING for those who had done NOTHING for Him.

During the offertory, when I saw the gifts go up to the altar, I told Jesus that I gave this funk that I was in to Him.  I realized that with what I give Him, He can make beautiful things out of my mess.

I got a whole boatload of consolation that wasn't the warm and fuzzies.

My phone suddenly blew up from my friends that were still trying to break me out of my funk and I had to take it out of my pocket so I wouldn't get distracted.

My friend Sylvia put her right hand out to join my gimp left for the Our Father.  I put my stress ball from my sling in her hand and she held it like a Champ through the whole prayer and the levity from it caused both of us to start laughing while we said the prayer.  The spell was broken.

At the sign of peace, she looked me in the eye and handed me a Crucifix, telling me "Jesus loves you".  I clutched it in my left hand and said "Jesus is heavy"... not realizing in how many ways that statement is true.

I held onto Jesus as tight as I could for the rest of the night with my eight graders in the Confirmation Class I help teach.  I had the toughest small group of the entire year.  Somehow I came out able to kindly reprimand them and affirm them at the same time... that was total grace.

In this trial, I have so much to offer to the Lord beyond my mild physical pain and discomfort.

I can offer my loneliness.  My ineptitude.  My brokenness.  My lameness.

I can give in and allow Him to carry me.

Thank God that someone loved me enough to give me something to clutch onto that isn't a stress ball.