Day 135: Feeling like myself again

I know I've been neglecting the blog. It has been for good reason. 

I've been mobilized with the Marines on active duty in Germany for the past month. I go home on Sunday. 

A lot has happened in the last month. Mostly that I've started to feel like myself again. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I feel like I'm coming back. 

...and it's not just the 241 triple I did on a deadlift today wearing this getup...

The rush of confidence that comes with putting on the familiar fabric of my uniform is more than my now suddenly knowing what to wear everyday. It's like parts of me are starting to come back.

Outsiders may view uniforms as an opportunity to hide our true selves. I've found that it reveals it. It puts me on an equal playing field with those I serve with. It's a world where expectations are clear, standards are high and challenges are set. 

Surgery has humbled me. Feeling weak and helpless shook me to my very core. After I couldn't work, I looked for ways to fill my time. I sought out interactions with others where I was becoming someone I thought I should be. I tried to find meaning in my life by immersing myself into things I was not. 

Sometimes I felt like I was in an epic battle between surrendering to what I thought was the will of God and what my heart desired at its core. I was wracked full of anxiety. I was not at ease. 

The past month has reminded me of who I am and who I am called to be. 

God made us all different. He made us fearfully and wonderfully in His image. Some opportunities allow those unique and wonderful qualities to shine. 

I feel the most accepted, affirmed and cherished when I am wearing the uniform and laying everything I have out there to take care of other Marines. 

It took me traveling 5000 miles and across 7 time zones to relearn that I am awesome at being a professional. That I have so much to learn and that I have so many qualities that I can let fly. 

God places us in positions where we actually have to discern for ourselves what we want. The temptation is to give up control in a way that makes us little robots ready to receive and follow orders without thought rather than leaders and high servants of the King. 

I think the reason that I lost so much of myself was because I was not honoring the image that God made in me. I figured the Lord would honor my blind, minion-like obedience rather than using the gifts that He gave me to set the world on fire. 

Repressing oneself breeds resentment and frustration. Substituting God-given freedom for slavery leads to anxiety. 

We are not robots. 

There is only one God that we should submit to... And He loves us so much that He has given us free will. 

The hardest thing to believe is that He trusts us enough to let us make our own decisions. 

He wants to give us the greatest desires of our hearts... If we only really knew what they were. 

God is big. And He can overcome our errors, lack of judgement and mistakes. 

I'm grateful for the opportunity to continue to wear the cloth of the United States Marine Corps and for the Marines I serve with daily out here. 

I'm truly grateful for my friends and family that I have left behind who are supporting what I do and taking care of things at home. 

...and I am beyond grateful that my God trusts me enough to let me be who He created me to be. 

Day 101: Don't be a Clanging Gong

If I speak in human and angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal.2And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing.3If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It is not jealous, [love] is not pompous, it is not inflated,5it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury,6it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.7It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8 Love never fails. If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongues, they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing.

-1 Corinthians 13:1-8

My brothers and sisters. 

A lot has happened in the past few weeks, and I'm sure it's thrown many of us for a loop. 

We have grown up in a world where Catholic values have been globally accepted in American society for generations. 

Now the tides are turning and what we stand for is in doubt. Our status publicly as Church is in jeopardy. 

Many of us have reacted with hurt, pain and outrage... And a symptom of this is complete defensiveness. 

...and I've seen such abject righteousness and judgement from my peers towards people who disagree with them. 

When you know the Truth, it's something that can be easily taken for granted and we often forget the journey that it took to get us here. 

Let's be clear about about something:

We did not get to where we were at because of our good works or what we did. 

We are saved because we have a Savior. 

It is only by His grace that we know the Truth. 

Any action that we take as Catholics, as Christians, as disciples must be in complete humility and servitude to Jesus Christ. It is only by what He accomplished by the Cross and Ressurection that we have any hope of heaven. 

Not acknowledging this is contrary to submitting to the Cross. Instead it is stepping on the pedastal of personal pride. A wretched and nasty fruit of Sin instead of the sweetness of the Holy Spirit. 

When you go to correct your brother for being in error, what is your motivation? Is it to resolve your own anxiety? Is it to turn your brother into a robot who repeats the same truth you claim without thought, personal buy-in or love?

If you really love your brother, find out his story. Reach him where he is at. Let him feel so safe with you that he exposes his hurts, wounds, needs and desires for his heart. Listen attentively. Pray for him earnestly. 

That's how you get credibility. That's how the truth is revealed. This is what piques curiosity to let even the most ardent opponent have an opportunity to hear the Gospel of Jesus Christ in its full and uncompromising glory. 

Evangelization requires stepping outside of oneself. It isn't about you feeling better that you "defended truth". It isn't about you feeling accomplished that "those people" know that they are "wrong" and that because of their sins or beliefs that they are not welcome at the table. 

If you try to say that somehow you are exempt from evangelization as a baptized and confirmed Catholic, I am here to loving show you that you are not free of this delightful burden. 

Let me ask this? Is the Truth something that needs to be justified constantly? Which is the greater call to holiness: acting as a dictionary and constantly clarifying definitions or lovingly convincing people that it is something even worth considering because of your love, joy and example?

You must proclaim the truth with great and fearless love. You must submit to the Holy Spirit to fulfill your baptismal call. 

If you want to point at "those people" whether they are your brother and sister Catholics who have not accepted the Truth for themselves, brothers and sisters from other denominations, or those who have not accepted the Gospel, remember the fall in the garden. 

God didn't ask Adam for an account of Eve's sins, but of his own. The desire to point the finger doesn't come from God but our own fallen nature. 

Like any caring and loving Father, God knows that each of His children are different. He holds them accountable to their own capabilities and experiences. He is a merciful Father. 

He will only have you account for your responsibilities, your encounters and His mission that He gave you. 

If you've already arrived safely accepting one small portion of the Truth, stop celebrating and move onto the next greater call for holiness. It won't end until you get to heaven. 

As long as you are still sucking up oxygen God's not done with you, oh fallen sinner and brother in Christ. It's the same for me as it is for you, and every time I start to climb up on my own pedestal I pray that the Lord lovingly knocks me the heck down. 

How do you measure up? Are you leading people to be receptive to the same grace that saved you? Are you showing them love and compassion? Are you a living and loving witness to all the Church espouses and teaches yourself?

Or are you cutting His children off at the knees with the deafening clanging of gongs that comes from your mouth whenever you open it in their direction? Are you someone that Jesus would say "you Hypocrites!" when you plead for judgement upon others?

Remember the gentleness that Jesus had when he encountered a wounded and repentant sinner... And compare that to the righteous anger that he displayed and cursed at the religious elite in the Pharisees and even in His own Apostles when they totally missed the point of... Everything. 

You are held to a different standard than your errant brothers and sisters. 

Stop whining and complaining. Be aware that everyone is watching, especially now. 

Be a witness. 

Live the Gospel. 

Be Jesus in a way that they see and know. 

Welcome persecution. 

Welcome doubt. 

Stop looking for gratification and righteousness from society.

Put down the crown of gold and pick up a crown of thorns. 

Step off the pedestal and pick up a cross. 

Remember that clanging gongs shut out every possibility of dialogue or even sanity until the noise is extinguished. 

My prayers are with you. I hope you pray for me too. 

(And if what you're doing resembles what Mandy Moore's character is doing in this clip from Saved! then repent and reevaluate the Gospel)

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=umLUKBlpyoY

Day 91: It's been 3 months?

So I had an appointment with Dr. Krishnan last Thursday and I got cleared to do basically everything except for mixed martial arts...

I asked him about CrossFit.. including things with barbells and rigs (and he said to go through my PT).  He said I can play hockey.  He said I can start Lacrosse..

I can row, I can hold onto stuff... I just have to work up to it slowly.

SO.  Today I went to CrossFit and had a blast!

40 Minute AMRAP

80 yard Farmer's Carry
20 Box Jumps
10 Strict Pullups (ring rows)
10 Strict HSPU (haha... yeah right)

Did Farmers' Carry (with the pretty pink kettlebells that were 18 pounds instead of the prescribed 53) and ring rows, extremely vertically and a seated overhead press with the 15 pound barbell.

The first few reps felt, awkward.  After that, smooth sailing!  The last rounds were faster and smother than the first and my shoulder feels, fantastic.

It helped that it was a 40 minute AMRAP so I had plenty of time to sort out the madness.  I ended up going into the ninth round with 12 box jumps.  I was pretty happy.

..I then got worked on by Hope after CrossFit.  Apparently my back and ribs were MAD.  The pain was so bad that she actually put lavender on my hands to smell to calm me down.  I almost passed out from the rebellion that my ribs mounted against me.

I feel much better now... I just needed some additional recovery following my recovery to include normatech for the blood to be pushed back into my head after I basically went into shock and a Kill Cliff to wake me up.

I then used my newly found energy and recovery to crank out my final paper for my Liturgical Leadership Class.

...being done with class until late August... it's a good feeling.

Looking forward to tomorrow and wondering what kind of scolding I will be getting from my PT Brandie for today.

Day 82: New PR

On Monday, we ran a crazy intense workout at Big D.

...long story short, I ended up doing a backsquat triple of 160 (5 pounds under my previous 1 rep max) while I was extremely fatigued. 

My friend Torre who is in her 2nd trimester of pregnancy also ended up in the same situation at 150. 

So, she asked if I would go for a max with her at the Saturday open gym and I said yes. 

The result?

Both of us absolutely destroyed our 1 rep maxes. Torre got 170 and I got up to 185.

...I can squat my boyfriend.. and then some.

I even had some in the tank, but the last rep my form got a little shady.

Next time, going for 200.

Sure, I have some limitations and I can't hold onto a barbell or rig... but ya know.  GAINZ.

My friend Kim had my stick around to do the WOD afterwards... and my legs felt like jello.

Tomorrow... is a rest day.

Great thing that it's on the Sabbath Day.  

Day 81: Struggle

Who is weak, and I am not weak?
Who is led to sin, and I am not indignant?

If I must boast, I will boast of the things that show my weakness.
-2 Corinthians 11:29-30

In the last month, so many things have changed in my life and my healing.  So much that just thinking about it makes my head spin.

One of the funny things about growing and getting better is that a lot of times when you feel the most lost and in pain, you are actually exactly where you are supposed to be.

Holiness, like healing, is a process.  It is moving from what you once were to what you are called to be.

Anything worth having is worth fighting for.  The things that bring the most glory mean having to endure the greatest struggle.

Today at PT, I walked in sore and feeling weaker than I had in weeks.  It's like I know I am so close to being allowed to use my arm to lift things again and start hurdling back into what I was doing before.

It felt like I was weaker doing all of my exercises when my PT offered resistance to me.  I finally spoke up and asked him why I had become so weak.

David told me that he could feel that I was getting stronger, so he was giving me more resistance than I had ever been able to endure before.  I had no idea because the only thing I could feel was my struggle against it.  I had no way of appreciating the fight that I was putting up.

This hasn't just affected me in my shoulder.

In the past month, my life has changed so much personally.  I had finally reached a point with God where I was totally content with healing, being single and taking things one day at a time.

It was like I finally let my guard down with God.  For the first time in my life, I completely submitted to His will.

...and He took me for a ride.

God started revealing the plan that He had for my life including preparing me for my permanent vocation.  For the first time in years, I am in a dating relationship and walking this path with God without so many shortcuts that I have taken in my past.

Holiness is a process.  Where all of your impurities and inequities are brought up to the surface for you to deal with head on.  It is not pleasant.  It is uncomfortable.

Being vulnerable goes against every fiber of my nature and being...

...and yet that is EXACTLY what I have been called to do in the last month.

It is really easy to be sure of a path until it is put to the test.

It is really easy to think you are doing just fine until you are faced with a choice to get better.

...and you can either take it or try to go back to life as you knew it before.



Allowing yourself to be loved is one of the hardest lessons to learn.

The last few weeks I have been struggling.  Feeling like I am back at square one with my walk with God and all the progress I have made over the last few years.

...but in this struggle, I am stronger than ever.

Because in my weakness, Christ is strengthening me.

Feelings are fickle.  They pass along with the uncomfortable moments and frustration.

Virtue leads to holiness... and holiness leads to everlasting life.

This is my struggle.... and I will rejoice in it.  

Jesus said to his disciples:
“Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth,
where moth and decay destroy, and thieves break in and steal.
But store up treasures in heaven,
where neither moth nor decay destroys, nor thieves break in and steal.
For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be.
-Matthew 6:19-21

Day 77: Where has the time gone?

Today marks 11 weeks post-op.

It's amazing to look back and realize that 11 weeks can be so quick and so short at the same time.

So much has changed in the past couple of months, and I would have never anticipated it.

It's amazing what happens when you stop making plans and start living your life open completely to the possibilities and plans that God has for you.

When all of this started, I did not really know what my expectations were for what I would be experiencing right now.  I guess I felt like I would be returning to the same crazy busy life that I had before.  Running from class, to calling ball to coaching.

My life has been transformed quite a bit, and now that I am returning to umpiring finally I have come full circle.

I did not anticipate the gains in leg strength and cardio that I would get from the month being slayed on the Airdyne.  I did not anticipate being able to back squat more than my body weight and being able to run faster than when I was commissioned as a Second Lieutenant 8 years ago.

...even more so I did not anticipate being so content in having so much of my life unstructured.  I did not expect to be so happy to be completely responsive to the will of God and being open to plans greater than I ever expected.

There have been many blessings that have come out of this time.  I have been more available for my dearest and closest friends in times of need.  I have been more kind and responsive to my brothers and sisters in the streets.

..and I have formed new friendships and relationships...

Had I not been subdued and running around like a crazy woman, I doubt I would have had time for a date, let alone the time, availability and presence to form new and meaningful relationships.

God is so good to me.

...and I can't wait to see what He has in store for me.

Day 53: Memorial Day

It's Memorial Day weekend.

It's a time to remember the sacrifices of my brothers and sisters in arms.  Those who have perished so that we can live freely.

Whenever I get the chance to put on my uniform, it is a sobering reminder of the fact that what we have signed up for has a price.

...and some of us have paid it...

..while the rest of us go home and live our lives.  Sometimes we wonder why we were spared and continue to move along like nothing else has happened.

When news hits of a loss, whether it be through combat, an accident or a death in the line of duty, I cannot really describe how it affects us.

Often due to distance, displacement or operational commitments, we don't have time to mourn.  We lack the opportunity to really get through these losses in a way that allows us to to fully process the gravity and enormity of what happened and integrate the loss into who we are.

Every time I see a flash across the news or social media of another brother or sister who has perished in the line of duty, it becomes so apparent that they wear the same cloth as I did.

When you wear it everyday to go do your job, it is just part of who you are.  While deployed, everyone is going through the same thing and we easily dismiss how much of a risk it is to be where we are.  It's easy to take for granted the danger that goes into the most routine of duties and tasks.

Until you hear the news that someone who you ate chow with last week is no longer around.  You go on with business as usual because you have a job to do.

...while their loved ones will never been the same.

Now that I'm out but still drilling, I have my feet in two worlds.  One where these losses are tragic, foreign and confusing and the other where we the mission still continues in the face of them.

This is why Memorial Day is such a big deal to service members, veterans and their families.

...and why I am proud to be a member of the CrossFit community.

It's one of those rare places where all of us can come together and acknowledge how much these things affect us and change us...and where we can all offer everything that we have up suffering together.

Yesterday at Big D, we ran the classic workout "Murph" in honor of LT Michael Murphy, a US Navy SEAL who was killed in the line of duty on June 28th, 2005 during Operation Red Wing in near Asadabad,Afghanistan.  He was awarded the Medal of Honor posthumously for exercising a complete disregard for his own life and safety to make every effort to contact higher headquarters to send out reinforcements for his men when they were overwhelmed by an assault of enemy Taliban forces that vastly outnumbered their four-man team.  His bravery led to the rescue of one of his teammates and the recovery of the remains of those who perished in battle.

If you want to know more about the legend behind this WOD, click in the link.




Like me, Murph was a Penn State graduate.  This workout always hits close to home.

This Hero workout is a tribute to Murph because while he was alive, it was one of his favorites.  He called it "Body Armor" and doing it Prescribed means wearing body armor or a 20 pound vest.

The WOD consists of the following:

1 mile run
(Any Order for the following)
100 pull-ups
200 push-ups
300 air squats
Cash-out:
1 mile run.

Given that with my rehab I can't do push-ups or pull-ups, I had to modify this with single armed ring-rows and floor press. We also had no extra 20 pound vests so clearly I wasn't doing it prescribed.

So...  I went with boots and utilities so it would at least be a little bit harder.

I headed down to Big D to do it at 10am.  There were a whole bunch of people from the community and the usual suspects there to get it done.

I don't know what got into me.  I ran it HARD.  Harder than any other workout I've done.

I did the first mile in 8:30.  I was shocked.

...then I went to the rest and I tried to break it up 10, 20, 30.  It worked for 3 sets and the I started to fatigue, so I just started doing rounds of Cindy 5, 10, 15.  I just kept moving.  I did not stop to catch my breath or anything.

There were people of all different kinds of fitness, backgrounds and abilities working out with us.  I shared the rings I was doing rows on with a mother/daughter team.  It was awesome to see them supporting each other.



...Laurie came up to me in the middle of my second to last round of Cindy while I was doing squats and said "PAUSE".  I looked up and she just hugged me...

..gotta love the support of this community.

I booked the second mile back in less than 10 minutes, leading two teenage girls who had stopped to walk and I finished in a disgustingly fast 42:15.

Hopefully when I get rehabbed up and able to do the entire WOD I am just as fast as before.

But more importantly, every time I run one of these WODs, I try to remember those who I have encountered in my career that are no longer with us.


SSgt Hasan Murchinson



GySgt Adam Benjamin, KIA OEF 2009


1stLt Ryan Iannelli, KIA OEF 2011



Maj Ryan Hansen



Offering it up for my brothers and sisters this weekend.

...give thanks for them and pray for their families this weekend.

Because this weekend is all about them.