Day 135: Feeling like myself again

I know I've been neglecting the blog. It has been for good reason. 

I've been mobilized with the Marines on active duty in Germany for the past month. I go home on Sunday. 

A lot has happened in the last month. Mostly that I've started to feel like myself again. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I feel like I'm coming back. 

...and it's not just the 241 triple I did on a deadlift today wearing this getup...

The rush of confidence that comes with putting on the familiar fabric of my uniform is more than my now suddenly knowing what to wear everyday. It's like parts of me are starting to come back.

Outsiders may view uniforms as an opportunity to hide our true selves. I've found that it reveals it. It puts me on an equal playing field with those I serve with. It's a world where expectations are clear, standards are high and challenges are set. 

Surgery has humbled me. Feeling weak and helpless shook me to my very core. After I couldn't work, I looked for ways to fill my time. I sought out interactions with others where I was becoming someone I thought I should be. I tried to find meaning in my life by immersing myself into things I was not. 

Sometimes I felt like I was in an epic battle between surrendering to what I thought was the will of God and what my heart desired at its core. I was wracked full of anxiety. I was not at ease. 

The past month has reminded me of who I am and who I am called to be. 

God made us all different. He made us fearfully and wonderfully in His image. Some opportunities allow those unique and wonderful qualities to shine. 

I feel the most accepted, affirmed and cherished when I am wearing the uniform and laying everything I have out there to take care of other Marines. 

It took me traveling 5000 miles and across 7 time zones to relearn that I am awesome at being a professional. That I have so much to learn and that I have so many qualities that I can let fly. 

God places us in positions where we actually have to discern for ourselves what we want. The temptation is to give up control in a way that makes us little robots ready to receive and follow orders without thought rather than leaders and high servants of the King. 

I think the reason that I lost so much of myself was because I was not honoring the image that God made in me. I figured the Lord would honor my blind, minion-like obedience rather than using the gifts that He gave me to set the world on fire. 

Repressing oneself breeds resentment and frustration. Substituting God-given freedom for slavery leads to anxiety. 

We are not robots. 

There is only one God that we should submit to... And He loves us so much that He has given us free will. 

The hardest thing to believe is that He trusts us enough to let us make our own decisions. 

He wants to give us the greatest desires of our hearts... If we only really knew what they were. 

God is big. And He can overcome our errors, lack of judgement and mistakes. 

I'm grateful for the opportunity to continue to wear the cloth of the United States Marine Corps and for the Marines I serve with daily out here. 

I'm truly grateful for my friends and family that I have left behind who are supporting what I do and taking care of things at home. 

...and I am beyond grateful that my God trusts me enough to let me be who He created me to be.