Day 39: Being enough

Since I've been recovering from this surgery, I've had a lot of time to be alone with my thoughts. 

I have a tendency to fall into a trap that I think plenty of other type-a personalities posses. 

I think that I am not enough. 

I need to be making progress. I need to be moving towards a goal. I'm always thinking about the future. I'm always wondering what I could be doing to be more awesome. 

The last couple of days, I have been beyond tired. 

I went to the VA for an appointment on Tuesday and it totally messed with me. All I wanted to do was file for education benefits that I have earned. That's it. I did not want to have a crisis of identity and integrity. 

I have several disabilities of various degrees and modes of existence. I am currently rated at 60% and I even have pending claims for temporary 100% disability because I can't work right now. At all. 

I don't like to dwell on how broken I am. I do try to rise and kick ass despite the fact that it's harder to do stuff than when I was 22 and relatively indestructible. 

I cannot possibly describe to you how obnoxious and demoralizing it is to go to that facility and the offices that surround it. They don't give you a map that tells you which of the 60 buildings your appointment is located in. There is no parking anywhere on site after 6 am. 

Even before you get to your appointments, you want to give up. 

Then after getting to your appointment, and sitting in the waiting room, you just see how hopeless everyone looks. The veterans in various states of orthopedic injury and desolation. The staff members that are overwhelmed by the sheer paperwork requirements and only seem to see us as numbers, issues and programs. 

Every time I go there I feel less of a capable adult and more like I'm waiting on my own demise... And I'm not even there for medical treatment. 

I was the last veteran seen. For some reason they let every male veteran go first and saved the three females to the end. I have no idea if it was a coincidence or not, but it was weird. 

In my appointment with an education "counselor", she accepted everything I told her. 

...except for the part where she basically lied to me and told me that I don't qualify for the program... Even though I know I do. 

It's like you have to prove to them what they already know and have documented in triplicate: the sacrifices you made during your service have permanently altered your existence so you can't do what you thought you could do anymore. 

So rather than accept it at face value, based on the documentation, they want you to continue to be broken and jacked up. Heaven forbid they let you use the services you earned to become better or stronger again. 

I know I need to fight for my benefits, but the idea of it is just so exhausting right now that in a way, I've quit before I got started. 

So, yeah. The last couple of days I've not really been too motivated to get out there and be productive. I even missed going to mass every day this week. 

There is a difference between having a zeal for a mission and trying to validate yourself by pursuing it. 

Today, I finally got to mass. 

Across the way, there was a family that I have seen at daily mass all over the place. It was a mother and her two teenage sons. The elder of them is severely autistic. 

He kept looking at me. So, I smiled and waved. 

He kept pointing at me and looking at me all during the mass. During the sign of peace he made a point to point to me again. 

I felt bad because his poor mother was trying to get him to follow the mass and focus on the altar instead of me. 

At the end of mass I hung around to talk to a couple of the undergrads. 

He made a b-line for me and hugged me. His mom warned him to be gentle because I was hurt (sling is still on). So he grabbed my hand and kissed it. 

I have never felt so honored in my entire life. It's not like I walked out in a dress with my hair done immaculately and makeup. He saw me as beautiful. 

To have a young man honor me in my brokenness was the most dignifying thing in the world. 

I know that he lives his life in complete dependence to others. He doesn't get the luxury and burden that we do in discerning a plan for ourselves and taking steps to reach those goals. 

This young man saw something in me that I couldn't see in myself. He accepted me for who I was in that moment. He affirmed the beauty that God created in me. 

...I am good enough. Regardless of what I have lost or where I'm going. Who I am right now is exactly what God created me to be.

And the same is true of you. 

Despite all your works, failings and successes, you are wonderful in the Father's eyes.