Day 2: ow

I woke up at about 3 am in some pretty serious pain. 

My mom took care of me again. Watched a lot of Netflix. 

Got a call from the nurse at the shoulder center,  and I'm allowed to loosen the sling when I'm sitting down. I just need to have it on all the way when I'm walking and lying down. Also, it needs to stay in while I'm sleeping. 

Probably the most strange thing about today was the fact that I kept falling asleep and having dreams of doing pull-ups or CrossFit. Thank God I put the sling on when I'm starting to fall asleep. 

Tomorrow is a new day. Hopefully a couple of friends will be stopping by. 

Can't wait till Thursday when I get to go back to the Docs and find out exactly what he did to the shoulder and some tips on how to dress myself. That and get a lovely massage from my friend Hope. 

The big day!

Figured I would let you all know how it went. Typing with one finger makes this challenging. 

Woke up at 4 am after a rough night of sleep. Got in the shower and cleansed myself with the crazy surgical scrub. My mom was a trooper and had to suddenly remember how to drive stick again. 

Got to Baylor at 5 and got all prepped up  with the staff. Dr. Krishnan. He signed my arm and my mom did as well 

Dr. Krishnan is an absolute rock star. I felt totally confident that it was going to go well. That says a lot because anyone who knows me well knows that I struggle with trusting doctors. 

I said goodbye to my momma and was wheeled back to the OR.... And I was out. 

Woke up and realized I was in pain. But compared to my Achilles repair, it was nothing. I'm glad The Lord allowed me to maintain perspective.

My mom took me home and has been super awesome. She has made me delicious food and has me on my Medication schedule. 

I am alert but keep nodding off while I'm sitting up. We have been passing time with hilarious movies on Netflix... And shark tank. 

I made a conscious decision this morning to offer my suffering to God on behalf of one of my dear friends. It's clear that He is with me through it all. 

I am so. So. Blessed. 

T-12 hours: Palm Sunday

In the last 24 hours, I went to Palm Sunday mass, picked up my mom from the airport, wrote a paper, played in my last hockey game (and got a penalty), judged 4 people in the open, visited my girl Laurie at Snap Kitchen, went grocery shopping and came back home. I am beat. 

I just pray that I made myself tired enough to get a few hours of sleep before I'm up at 4 to take a super antibacterial shower and head in for my 515 checkin. 

Palm Sunday mass gave me super intense feels. On this day in 2009, I told my grandmother that I was back going to mass. She told me that she was so pleased because she knew that the mass brought her such joy. 

That was the last time I talked to her. She died suddenly of a heart attack a few days after Easter. 

Now that I've come home to the Church, I see Holy Week as an opportunity to enter into the suffering, death and ressurection of Christ. 

Well, to be honest, it sneaks up on me. There's something about this week that penetrates through all the pain and noise that saturates our lives and makes it so clear that His sacrifice matters because you matter to Him.  

In the gospel this week, when we read the words of the chorus doubting, mocking and condemning Jesus to death, I felt the weight of the sins of my past conduct. I distinctly remembered how much I turned away from Jesus when I lived my life on my own terms. 

In a way, by getting surgery on Monday of Holy Week, I am receiving an amazing opportunity to enter into great redemptive suffering to atone for my sins, and the sins of the whole world. 

I hope I get to participate in the Triduum, but if I can't sit through the liturgy then I know that I can offer up my pain, weakness and dependence on others to unite with Him as we remember what He did for us. 

Please pray for me. My surgery is scheduled for 815 am central time tomorrow. I'll keep you posted. 

T-3 days: Dallas vs The World

Today was the close of the open, and it was an amazing day.

I started off with Spiritual Direction with my awesome Spiritual Director.  He heard my confession and we talked about school and how I was prepared spiritually for my surgery.  Since I have gotten hooked up with my current surgeon, I am a lot more at easy with what is coming and I have learned to trust that God is with me in this journey and that He really does have my best interests in mind.  I had some REAL prayer time with him this month.  Like the "I am scared crapless and I don't see how this is going to work out.... please let me trust you".

It's going to be tough, but it's going to work out.  The Lord has thrown me consolation by the boatload to affirm His plans in me.  

 

I then headed down to CrossFit Big D to finish the Open.  15.5 was a total gut check... especially with the crazy antibiotics I've had this week and the lack of supplement game.  I finished in 14:46, but it was PAINFUL.  I was happy to be done with it, but I was kind of sad that it was the last time I will be touching a barbell in a WOD for a few months.

I hung out with Laurie in the afternoon and we headed back for Big D hosting "Dallas vs. The World".  I got to judge about 9 people over the course of the night and it was crazy intense.  

What really made me happy was that afterwards we had a little after party.  I was really reminded about how amazing our community is.  Everyone is in their 20s to 40s, but it felt like I was back in college just relaxing without a care in the world... and even though I am not anywhere near the fittest person in my gym I know that I am a formidable force in playing Knockout basketball and flip cup.  

Less than 60 hours with two arms... better make the best use of them.  

T-5 Days: Ointment in the nose

Today, I was supposed to work at the rink driving a Zamboni.  But, they emailed me at the last minute to cancel so boom, I had a whole large unstructured day ahead of me.

...with a project due the next day, that is the worst thing for me.  Ever.

I thrive under pressure.  I do my best work and have the greatest inspiration when I have a deadline and I need to push it.  My undergraduate side academically was flipping easy because I had no free time between ROTC and hockey.  So, I would do my homework in between classes and start my papers weeks in advance.

Being a part-time grad student with part-time work... not working so great.  Note to self: next year enroll full-time and play a Division III sport... that'll make it easier.

Anyways, I did just get my PowerPoint done, which totally justifies my blogging right now instead of doing schoolwork.

I started my day off at my CrossFit gym again.  It was a brutal metcon with Calories rowing, box jumps and thrusters... which I had to scale to front squats given that I lack a complete shoulder socket for the next few days.  I have been on these mega antibiotics for a couple days and they have basically sucked the life out of me.  Between that and not taking my supplements, I have been tired, dehydrated and it's been hard to fall asleep.  I held myself back quite a bit but I managed to do pretty well on the WOD.

Afterwards I went for my max power clean and toes to bar.  After nine months of having Chase and Laurie on my case, my power clean max and my squat clean max are the same at 155 pounds (as opposed to a 30 pound difference in the direction of the power clean).  At the end, I did 20 toes to bar in a row (one over my old max) just because.

I got to pick up my latest and greatest pre-surgery prescription today: antibiotic ointment that gets stuffed into each of my nostrils twice daily.  Goes really nicely with my stuffed up nose from the Texas allergies to begin with.  It isn't enjoyable at all.... and I am kicking myself for telling my doctors that I had cellulitis (which apparently is MRSA and will kill me) when I was in the Marines.

I did make it to Mass for the feast of the Annunciation.  I have been really dragging on Daily Mass lately.  What amazes me so much about God is that no matter how much I stray, I can come back to Mass and I just know that I belong there.

Receiving the Eucharist today, I was able to experience a bit of what Mary did with the Incarnation: by saying yes, He lives in me.

I live for those moments and insights.

Thinking about next week and what my life will be like then has me thinking about a lot.  My family will be here and they are not Catholic at all. I am grateful that they will be here, but it's going to be weird to experience Holy Week with them here; chances are it will be tough to sit through the Triduum as it is, let alone recovering from a surgery 4 days previously.

Instead, I will have to experience it in the physical suffering and humility that will come from being dependent on others.  I got the Sacrament of Anointing of the Sick for a reason.  I can think of no greater honor during the week where we commemorate the Passion and Resurrection of our Lord than to carry my Cross with Jesus.

...the fullness of the Liturgy is beautiful... but only if it fuels living out the Faith.

T-6 Days: Celebratory Tacos

Today was a good day.

At CrossFit, we were working on Clean techniques as well as work overhead.  Programming called for 5 heavy jerks, but given that I am pretty much missing the front of my shoulder socket, I asked if I could work on my strict overhead press.  My Coach Chase though that was a great idea.

I had not done a single strict press since I moved to Texas.  My last max was 37.5 kilos, or about 83 pounds.  For fun and grins, I decided to throw up 85 on there.  It was EASY. 95, felt good.  105 wouldn't move.  So, I went with 100.  Boom.

My friend and Coach Laurie said that the most important question was how I was going to celebrate... more on that later.

I had a great lunch meeting with a parishioner from the parish I am researching for school.  It was a fantastic meeting.  I'm not sure if it actually led to anything that helps me get my parish portrait done faster, but I loved being present with someone just talking about the awesomeness of the Church and what potential and possibilities existed for them if they continued to follow a life with Christ.

I umpired a double-header of softball all the way out pretty much half-way to Tyler. It was awesome. Great ball and I finally felt like I have gotten the hang of it... just in time for me to get cut open and be out of it for at least two months.  

...but, PRing my old max by 17 pounds warranted celebratory tacos and a margarita.  So Velvet Taco happened.  

God is so good to me...

T-7 Days. I meet Jerome

On my way home from class tonight, I saw a man walking along the side of the road near where I live.  It was obvious that he was living on the street; despite the temperatures in the 70s, he was wearing a full coat and looked like he had not shaved or showered in weeks.  He carried a backpack and had an entire container of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups sticking out of his jacket pocket.

Up to this point, I had wondered if I had done "enough" for Lent this year.  I promised myself that I would fast from any number of things; Facebook and Netflix being possibilities that I had chickened out of with my upcoming surgery.  I told myself that I would pray more, that I would go to adoration (because lately quiet times with God have seemed overwhelmingly frightening) or that I would go to more Daily Mass (I've actually gone to less).  With Holy Week quickly approaching with my surgery date, I was feeling like a pretty terrible Catholic and a poor example for aspiring leaders in the Church.

The only thing that I had succeeded in doing was keeping non-perishable food and water in my car to hand out to people on the street that I encountered.  Previously, I had been not so much of a "social justice" Catholic in the sense that I viewed such movements within the Church with suspicion.  It seemed that those who I had encountered in the movements previously did not adhere to the fullness of Catholic teaching and looked down on those of us who did as not doing enough.  Even worse, my background in training in the Military and Police had me looking at the people that went to the Church in a way that they were a threat instead of my brothers and sisters in Christ.  My heart was incredibly hardened to them.  It is only by the grace of God and allowing the Holy Spirit to take over my life that my fear has been cast out and I was willing to try something.

Since moving to Dallas in June, I have seen so many people on the streets and I was moved to do something about it.  With the winter getting so nasty with the snow and ice, I had actually seen very few. The few other times that I was able to hand something out quickly from my car, I felt totally helpless that I was only giving them a light snack to get through the next couple of hours: when I was headed home to a warm bed and a fridge full of food for myself.

This time, I pulled ahead into a parking lot, stopped, said a quick prayer and got out with food and water in hand,  ready to meet my new brother.  He was incredibly gracious and introduced himself as Jerome.  He picked up that I was a student and asked what I was studying.  When I told him that I was getting my Masters in Church Management.  Almost immediately, he started apologizing for his state in life and that he was going to start some gyms in the area as soon as he found office space.  He even gave me a number for his receptionist that would be working in one of the new office buildings that he was "scouting".  He also spoke of bacteria being planted by terrorists in 2005 to frame us all and that we pass it back and forth as they mock us.  He also started spouting off about his study of Theology and his personal interpretation of scripture.  It was clear to me that he was having paranoid delusions.

The old me would have completely discounted everything that he had to say beyond that point or would try to correct his view on reality.  The new me instead looked for common ground.  Instead of shutting down, I was able to listen. After asking a couple of gentle questions, I realized that the "terrorists" were people that were hostile to him on the street and he had good reason to view others with suspicion.  I heard the Truth of the Gospel written on his heart that the bible was full of different translations and that God has given us the free choice to chose life or sin for ourselves.  I was able to affirm what he had correct, but also speak of the Lord's Mercy because He has great justice.  That forgiveness is a gift extended to us and that by showing mercy, I turn over the wrong of sin committed against me back to God for Him to exact justice.  We exchanged goodbyes and as quickly as it started, it was over.

I don't really know how much I helped Jerome tonight with handing him some Pop Tarts and a breakfast shake.  I didn't solve his homelessness.  I didn't get him to someone who could get him on medication to bring him back to the "real world".  I know that I won't be attending his boxing gym, whenever he gets it up and running.

Jerome didn't need me to "save" him from the cross he was carrying, but rather to let him know that I saw him as equal in dignity to me.

I do know that he helped me realize that no matter how far off our brothers and sisters are, that there is always common ground in our humanity.  Winning an argument or being "right" doesn't necessarily win anything for God.  Where Jesus gets the win is when you realize that He is right in the person in front of you.

Lent really isn't about how "well" any of us do it.  It is about entering into the desert with Jesus and tested and purified through trial and doing things out of our comfort zone.  Holiness comes from making the completely radical to the completely ordinary flow of our daily living.

Unlike my previous attempts to fast from cursing, I am sure that this Lenten practice is going to stay with me far into the Easter season and maybe the rest of my life.

T-8 Days

So, I'm getting surgery a week from Monday.  After beating up my body in the Marines, hockey, CrossFit and all other kinds of crazy stuff, my shoulder has finally decided that it has had enough and that it's time to get fixed.  Exact procedure is called a Latarjet transfer.  Basically, it's an arthroscopic procedure where the doctor is going to rearrange some bone tissue to replace some bone loss in my socket.. as well as repair all the broken ligaments that have quit on me.  As painful as this sounds, I am excited for my shoulder to return to its rightful place in its socket...

I am going to start blogging again to remind myself of my progress and the love that God has for me. I was pretty frustrated with the idea of another surgery, especially after my Achilles repair in 2012. But, unlike last time, I understand that there is a beauty of healing, and in pain.  In being vulnerable and in need of healing, we can see God work through others in their very best.  I know I will see it in my family:  both my blood coming to Dallas to help me out and my family at CrossFit Big D and my parish.

I am going to be stronger than ever in this because He is greatest when I am weakest.  Lord knows that I am going to be plenty weak for plenty of time.